Note: A Very Silly Post, sure to offend some.
Rated "Mature" for talk of "packages", as well as images of racy men's underwear and fully-naked Iggy Pop, dimly lit but clear enough. Also, there are loads of images (sorry, dial-up friends). Almost all images in this post are links that can be clicked open for larger versions.
Over at elijah_finds a couple of weeks ago, we were in a state of excited anticipation over Elijah Wood's upcoming portrayal of youthful Iggy Pop in The Passenger, having come across a lot of old video footage of Iggy performing and giving interviews in the 70's. At last, watching Iggy talking and performing, many of us began to feel that Elijah Wood could really do this and do it well.
There was much talk on the threads about how he might prepare for the role. Mr. Pop had (has) a much lower speaking and singing voice than Elijah Wood. They were about the same basic size, it turned out. I had got the impression from photos that Iggy Pop was as tall as an Elf. But he is not. He is short and slight. As one rockfan who had seen him in the seventies wrote, challenging a stated height on a website on rock stars:
Iggy Pop is 5' '7"? I saw him at an Otis Rush show years ago in NYC...he was a tiny little man (I'm 5' 9"), although he definitely had Presence.
This relieved me very much since, other than EW's eyes and luminous aura, the description that comes up most when fans write about meeting him in person is that he is "so tiny".
But aside from height, there was the difference in body types. Iggy's body, delineated, and lean as Gollum's, did not look much like the soft, barely post-adolescent body we'd seen peeps of in EW's various films. Iggy Pop performed his strenuous stage act shirtless. There'd be no Frodo shirts or pullovers to hide under. Well, a strict reducing diet and a personal trainer could help him there.
It was only inevitable and not merely prurient that the matter of "packages" would come up. Although I had known next to nothing about Iggy Pop and the Stooges before Elijah Wood was cast in the role, I now have read quite a bit.
Iggy had a renowned package. Not only was it discernible under his clothing--he wore tight jeans or contour-defining pants (like the gold satin ones shown in a clip from an Australian interview, singing I'm Bored)--with no underwear--his genitals had been bared to the sight of many, Iggy having exposed himself on a number of occasions on stage.
For those who weren't there to see "it" in person, at least one nude photograph taken by Gerard Malanga is still extant. A cropped version of it appeared on the cover of "Nude and Rude".
Young Iggy photographed by Gerard Malanga:
Apparently Iggy's "big, beautiful chopper" was quite famous. And, because Iggy is still alive and performing, with an active fan base, it remains famous.
What, if anything, I wondered, might the filmmakers do to assist EW in the package department? If an actress with normal or even full breasts were to portray Dolly Parton, she would surely have to wear special push-up bras with extra padding, maybe even prosthetic breasts, in order to create the "Dolly Parton" look.
This is not to say Elijah Wood is not possessed of a bulge, but it is not of legendary proportions. A few shots make him look particularly blessed (see well-known exhibits below), but many do not. He seems "average" when all of his shots are taken together, some bulgy, others not.
I did not wonder, however, how an "Iggy package" might be achieved, since I had already happened upon a men's underwear site that pointed the way. No prosthetics would be necessary. It could be achieved solely through the ingenuity of modern men's underwear design.
It was Oscar week when I read a snippet that some [male] Oscar presenters would be wearing biodegradable underwear made of Tencel. What was that? I wondered. And what would it look like? Not one to pass up an opportunity to both procrastinate and satisfy idle curiosity, I began Googling. I did not at first find the Tencel underwear, but what I did find made my eyes pop out of my head.
"Good heavens!" I gasped. "Have all these models stimulated themselves into these states, or are they really this big? Are they wearing prosthetics? They must be bringing back the padded codpiece!"
But, no. Not codpieces. These underwear--briefs, bikinis, and thongs--all featured specially structured genital pouches, some with hidden support contraptions, all for the purpose of lifting and bringing forward a man's "package". The 16th century man had to wear an affair made of stuffed buckram to make his phallic show while strutting his stuff in the public square. The 21st century man can strut his own stuff. Carried high before him without padding or stiffened housing, the New Man wears a Wonderbra--but a Wonderbra for the genitals.
Therefore, Elijah Wood need have no fear to portray Iggy Pop, right down to the package.
How might Elijah Wood, Mr. Average Guy....
....be made to look like Iggy Pop, Mr. Trouser Snake?
There are a few options.
1. Option One: The contour pouch.
Even in my backwater city in the American upper Midwest, in the past years I have lingered in the men's underwear department, shopping for my husband ("just boxers, nothing fancy"), shyly ogling the pictures on the packages. Or the packages on the packages containing "new-style" briefs, which feature the tailored genital pouches. These pouches bring together the male parts that otherwise wander and dangle to little effect behind the slack fabrics of plain fly-front briefs or standard boxer shorts, unifying forces to present--front and center--a defined, well, package.
Although most American men seem to shy away from anything that has a hint of "showy" to it, I am guessing that more and more men are wearing these briefs. They seem practical and comfortable, offering the support of a jock strap, but the comfort of cloth between the body and trouser fabrics. But they also do make the genital area look more prominent. I eye crotches enough to have noticed, in the past few years, a more "up front" look to men's pants, in real life and as seen on celebrities. Perhaps pouch-style underwear has been a contributing factor.
Below I am going to post some men's underwear. First I will post the conventional stuff. I'll include the write-ups for all these products, since what the writers say says a lot, too. The basics emphasize the basics: comfort, value, and unobtrusiveness. The sexier stuff's copy emphasizes quality and comfort, too, but often is explicit about the man-enhancing nature of the cut.
Basic, unshowy men's underwear:
Men's underwear featuring contoured pouches:
The c-ring system does virtually the same thing. An adjustable elastic loop fastened with a snap goes around the penis and scrotum at their base, the loop then lifted at the waist band. Some c-ring garments use a fitted pouch for additional shaping, but many of the thongs and bikins, some of which are shown below, have drapey, thin, or stretchy pouches, the ring system doing all the work to create the look.
Another method uses the o-ring, which sometimes looks the same as a c-ring, but often consists of an elastic panel with a ring-shaped opening through which the genitals are drawn and subsequently lifted up.
Below is the O-ring Suspension Thong, which comes in black and white and a few flesh-tones, which can be worn under underwear, swimsuits, and pants. This might be just the thing, since the wearer would appear to be completely naked under his clothes.
|..."Wear underneath clothing or swimwear. Cotton-lycra g-string style thong has an O-opening in front to bring you up and forward. Variety of colors, black or white."|
Below is a selection of c-ring and o-ring thongs, g-strings and bikinis. As you will see, the wearers all appear quite naked in spite of the light clingy fabrics, except that their members are made to look astonishingly imposing and prominent.
As I said, it is "The Return of the Codpiece", but without the cod.
|Image shows diagram of more unusual inner construction. |
|"...in hot colors! Sexy men's o-ring type thong. The ring is put in place on the front, the front then covers all of the 'bait and tackle'." |
|NDS Wear's very minimal coverage men's thong underwear or swimwear. Exotic thong. Now available in 4 Colors: White, Black, Red and Blue. This unique thong allows for a sexy fit both in front and back. Front pouch has a c-ring and slide thru loop, to bring everything forward, extremely fit and Hot." |
|"...sexy men's microfiber men's bikini underwear or men's bikini swimwear. Has an elastisized c-ring in the front pouch liner that keeps him N-larger than life! O-ring type (circular elastic) pouch." |
|"NDS Wear men's ultimate bikini underwear. High sides, sexy pouch front men's underwear." |
|"Very comfortable thong, microfibre thong, the fabric is oh so smooth! Sexy thong with c-ring. May be worn as swimwear or underwear (swimwear in some places!). Features snap ring to keep him out front."|
Here are four c and o ring thongs that I find particularly amusing.
The first three are designated "Camo" wear. I suppose these are for men who haven't decided whether their ready to flaunt themselves and are trying to be more discreet. "Hey, isn't that Bob over there?" "I can't tell." "That's because he's wearing camo." ;)
The fourth one, below, is made of artificial metal mesh. I thought it would do very well for the Rohirrim and Men of Gondor, going nicely with their mail.
3. Option Three: The prosthetic enhancer.
When all else fails, there's always the good old "falsie". Women have been slipping little pillows and hankies and wads of batting down their bras for centuries. I suppose men should have access to something similar.
"A discreet, flexible-web insert that creates an impressive, realistic package enhancement in any swimsuit or underwear. It fits securely over the penis like a codpiece, giving a guy greater visual proportions without anyone ever knowing his secret. The large head and thick shaft will cling discernedly [sic] to most fabrics, even when wet. The bulge's flexible material allows it to move naturally, whether swimming or dancing and is so undetectable, it looks realistic even up close. Well suited for the pool bar or the locker room, The BigBoy gives a guy a dose of confidence where he needs it most. A natural for bodybuilders and sunbathers. The Bulge's polyvinyl mesh material is waterproof and machine washable, and keeps its form with extended use." [That’s nice to know.]
Now that I look at this, I think the model wearing those basic Fruit of the Loom briefs near the top might be wearing one. Maybe I should get out my magnifying glass?
I had thought mariole's hilarious fic The Height and Length of Fashion pretty outrageous when I read it, but these underwear make me think she was not far off the mark in her fic's fashion statements.
Here's a c-ring thong that's actually made of mesh! "Oh," I thought, "here's one of the mesh ball-bags in The Height and Length of Fashion!"
"The 'Fishnet Grabber Thong' has a C-ring to lift and bring forward and support. Iced Mesh Thong underwear, NEW STYLE of see-through fishnet. Very sexy men's underwear. Soft comfortable stretch large-mesh fabric..."
This one called to mind Pippin's ‘altogether’ in mariole's story, which featured not only a ball-bag, but a penile sleeve. Wasn't it even yellow?
The following thong won first prize for humour. It's suitable for wearing to a fancy-dress ball. Just add a hat and a jester’s staff for accessories. Oh, and don’t forget the pointy-toed matching shoes (with bells on the ends).
What can I say? A picture's worth a thousand words:
"Red schlong g-string, Trunk front men's g-string, trunk thong, sleeve front men's underwear."
Edited to add another find:
Anatomically correct genital string pouch. Looking at this, worn by this slender, satin-smooth man, it occurs to me that a woman could wear one of these, stuffed, to *very* interesting effect. What a stir she'd make at the beach.)
Part II of Men’s Underwear Pt. II HERE.