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NF-Lee's Gildor and Frodo

Humour: What Students Purportedly Write....

Posted on 2006.06.18 at 13:37
I usually groan when relatives send me forwarded jokes and humour pieces in my email, but parts of this one made me laugh till I wept.

These are supposed to be real examples, but I almost can't believe it. I'm not a teacher, so I can't judge properly.

Why English Teachers Die Young

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays.These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

~ Frodo patrols the beach on Tol Eressea while Elves frolic in the waves.

(O.K., so it's Lanakai Beach in Hawaii, but it's sort of like Tol Eressea.)

~ Mechtild


shirebound at 2006-06-18 19:04 (UTC) (Link)
Howl! Once I started snortling and snickering at these, I couldn't stop.

Ooooh, love the beach pic! Hope Frodo has his swim trunks on under all that.
mechtild at 2006-06-18 19:10 (UTC) (Link)
I couldn't stop, either. Finally my daughter came in to know what was so danged funny.
(Deleted comment)
mechtild at 2006-06-18 20:35 (UTC) (Link)
I wondered if they were old. Sometimes I get the same forwarded jokes from ten people. But I hadn't yet seen these. These were the funniest I'd read. Yes, "shots rang out, as shots are wont to do," killed me. I just went to see the Robert Altman, "Prairie Home Companion" film, and Kevin Kline's 'Guy Noir' would have said that line perfectly. *choke*
ellinestel at 2006-06-18 19:29 (UTC) (Link)
Oh, my... These just killed me! :D
mechtild at 2006-06-18 20:36 (UTC) (Link)
Weren't they funny? Even to a non-native English speaker like you?
bagma at 2006-06-18 19:32 (UTC) (Link)
They are priceless!:D
I'm very fond of #12: I've never thought a nose after a sneeze could be romantic; apparently I was wrong.
Poor Frodo needs a holiday, BTW; he looks stressed.
mechtild at 2006-06-18 20:38 (UTC) (Link)
It's funny that you posted your comments by students (about Martin Luther and Hanery VIII) at the same time, just as I was asking if students could really have written such things. Your students' answers showed that they could have.

Frodo looked stressed? Well, he should have. Far too many clothes for Hawaii. Especially clothes made out of plastic.
notabluemaia at 2006-06-18 19:59 (UTC) (Link)
*snort* Mechtild, those are hilarious. (Be sure to stop by bagma for students' thoughts on the Renaissance.)
mechtild at 2006-06-18 20:39 (UTC) (Link)
I did stop by, Nota. In fact, I thought it was terribly ironic we should have posted these at the same time, they are so similarly, hilariously dreadful. :D
(Anonymous) at 2006-06-18 20:43 (UTC) (Link)
I can see several if these actuallly *working*, though - in the proper ironic context. That would for instance be nos. 4 and 18. But I take it there was no irony whatsoever involved when all these were written.........
maeglian at 2006-06-18 20:44 (UTC) (Link)
Sorry - that was me. I forgot to log in.
elasg at 2006-06-18 21:38 (UTC) (Link)
Those are PRICELESS! Omg, I couldn't stop giggling! I would pick a favorite, but they are all hysterical! No wonder the teachers collect them! LOL!
mechtild at 2006-06-19 00:09 (UTC) (Link)
Weren't they a hoot? My jaw muscles literally ached by the time I got to the end.
maewyn_2 at 2006-06-19 00:20 (UTC) (Link)
I love these - especially 18 and 20. At a pinch, I think they could really work!
mechtild at 2006-06-19 00:33 (UTC) (Link)
Heavens, I guffawed at nearly all of them. But, yes, some actually are quite insightful in their funny way.
aussiepeach at 2006-06-19 04:26 (UTC) (Link)
They sound like entries in the Worst Opening Sentence (Bulwyer Lytton) comp to me.:D
mechtild at 2006-06-19 05:18 (UTC) (Link)
Hey, Peachy! Are you emailing from air plane? Are you already there????
taerie at 2006-06-19 12:22 (UTC) (Link)
I loved these!! Some of them must be by some very talented students who we MUST be going to hear more from professionally some day. Others are just adorable. When we owned a comic book store the teenaged boys would ask me to read their literary endeavors. This was sometimes challenging when they would be inadvertently hilarious.. but I always managed to read them with kind solemnity. It could be very difficult though.
I forwarded this to my husband. He loves these too.
I can see Frodo is being seized by the hobbit instinct to dig a hole in that sand hill and build a beach house. Should be a babe magnet for him.
mechtild at 2006-06-19 12:52 (UTC) (Link)
This was sometimes challenging when they would be inadvertently hilarious.. but I always managed to read them with kind solemnity. It could be very difficult though.

You are a kind and self-disciplined woman, Taerie. :)

P.S. Are you going to post Dangerous When Wet in one of those sites? (hint, hint) I'll be happy to come and gush if you do.
silvermoonlady at 2006-06-19 15:06 (UTC) (Link)
*cackles madly, falls of chair and dies*

Thank you, needed that on a monday morning!! :D
mechtild at 2006-06-19 23:08 (UTC) (Link)
Pretty funny stuff, ey?
Estë   (or ST for short)
este_tangletoes at 2006-06-19 20:19 (UTC) (Link)
No. 22 had me in stitches.
mechtild at 2006-06-19 23:09 (UTC) (Link)
Yeah, that was a riot, Este. What a great string of hilarious sentences!
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